So I want to put on a festival

Hello world!
Well since I found out that they wouldn’t be giving me a cochlear implant, my life has been quite a roller-coaster of emotional turmoil spanning the depths of frustration, bottled anger, gradual acceptance, mind-opening realization and happy self-discovery to find that I have more strength in me than I knew I had.

Rather than be pulled into a vortex of spiraling depression, I marveled at the resilience of my mind when I began to pull my negative thinking into a positive space once more.
I can remember really the exact day, time even that I stepped forward into that important optimistic state of mind. It was at The Crown Inn, Tiddington’s main pub, England. On a Saturday evening for I had been invited by Karen Maslen, a most kind-hearted and jolly woman that told me I could perform at the newly established Open Mic Jam that her husband had organized.

The last time I had played in public was last Winter with my NYC-based band Vinyette and in fact having never really performed by myself before, alone in the spotlight, I was rather uncertain as to what might happen, but before I describe the tale of what went on to be…

I want to tell you that as a musician, artist and to be honest; to the core of the very person that I am, I am an improviser. I don’t really play songs in the manner like most people would expect from any musician, instead I never play anything the same way twice. So in true improviser fashion I did not learn any songs or prepare anything except for the guitar sound that I wanted to play with.
I embraced the unknown, telling myself that the worst that could happen would be that the sound stops and people stop listening, no big deal really.

At first, my nervousness crept up and into the way of my performing, I had never played the guitar going through my laptop and then out of a PA (Personal Amplification System) before so I was not used to the sound at all. Not being used to the sound meant that I have no memory of what the sound could and should be like when I am hitting the strings on the guitar a certain way. Without this memory, I am exposed to the harsh reality of a sound as I perceive it on stage via my hearing aids. Loud volume sound hitting a tiny microphone behind my ear becomes distorted because of the microphones miniature-size and further yet, this signal is shaped and manipulated by the digital processors encased within the aids before getting amplified and tunneled down a plastic tube (a part of the hearing aid mold that sits in my ears) that can raise or lower a sound in pitch depending on how long it is… finally ending up funneled into my very deafened ears that are incapable of perceiving frequencies higher than 2,000khz.
When I play through equipment at high volume that is NOT generating a very pure (analog and unprocessed) sound-wave like say a trumpet or a guitar plugged into a valve amp without any pedal effects, I am engulfing myself in a muddy, cacophonous mess with barely any definition or clarity to the timbre, pitch, note, melody and chords.

In other words, it sounds like shit.

And when shit is flying around and into your ears, it’s pretty darn distracting and playing well and with confidence is a whole different ball-game, rather it’s easy to fumble the beat and drop the rhythm when the frequency spectrum is getting jumbled up and lost.

I fumbled a lot when I got up to play for the small but inquisitive audience of local pub-goers. It was difficult but I got us all through it and then got off the stage feeling pretty embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I made to pack my things and leave soon after that but Karen told me I did good and that I should go up and play again. If Karen hadn’t said those encouraging words I know that I would have gotten up and left that night in a pretty dejected state.

I knew within myself that I could do this and I needed to get back to the basics and keep things simple. I asked if anyone would play the drums and bass for me and hold down a rhythm for me. Two older guys bravely signed themselves up for it although I did have to explain that I wasn’t about to play any cover songs! I also plugged into a simpler guitar and amplifier set-up that avoided the P.A which gave me a sound that I could hear much clearer in the mix (with the other instruments). Without thinking much more I just started up a funky rhythm for my new on-stage companions to follow along to and got into some mean ol’ blues.

I had turned it around, with a little encouragement, going from a dejected negative sense of disappointment to a stronger place where I had mastered my mental state and then found a way to make the situation work for me. I turned it around.

That was not the last time I turned it around either. Being bitten by the performing bug, and having a taste of the confidence that only over-coming a big, even huge challenge can bring I wanted more. I scoured out other open mic nights and jam sessions in the nearby towns and villages and made performing for other people a regular habit. Each time feeling a little more capable and yet more confident. I found some amazing individuals in a weekly thursday night jam in Leamington Spa. Tom, Carol, Shanade, Raphael and all the other regulars every Thursday night at The Clarendon for the support, welcome feelings and willingness to just try things out, Thank you, I hope you know who and what you are.
In Soho, London the same thanks of gratitude go to Zu Gutie, Martha Tarre, Tony Brown, the amazing Luis Ávila, and Elain Valdez without whom a very special musical moment would not have happened.

In fact I do not want to stop or lose momentum here, I need to keep playing for people and showing myself that I can overcome great difficulties to make something magic happens that only becomes possible when I convince myself that I can. This is why I am back in America now with some big plans, that lead to even bigger plans (hint: look back up). It has every good chance of happening, I just gotta keep the most important thing in mind, that through the thick and thin and that when the going gets tough, the tough get going and that most of all… I can.